Forgotten Melody Part 4

Note: please see the April 2014 entries on this blog for the previous 3 parts to this story.

oOo Part 4 oOo

Zoya's head spun in a frenzy of emotions reeling from shock right through to hurt and humiliation but most of all she felt numb and empty as she lay still on the cold black heavily embellished leather sofa reviewing the events of the rather dismal night in her mind. The dismal night had just turned into a nightmare - one she was running from for such a long while but it all caught up to her and she felt utterly helpless as though her world was crashing in on her, suffocating her in the process. 
She watched silently from behind the cosy soft blanket layers  that caressed her quivering and cold fragile frame, her glazed eyes diligently observed the two silhouettes that stood in the dark  hallway discussing her recent decline in health  - their voices shrouded by the storm that seemed to be chronic of late steeped and brewed outside muffling their voices. But Zoya could make out  Asad's familiar toned and tall silhouette from the intermittent flashes of lightning that pierced the hallway with its blue haze. She could see the muscles of his back tense as he paced up and down the hallway pensively, the floor boards creaked with each footstep he took as he listened to the authoritative words of the other familiar and slender silhouette of her current neighbour and obstetrician Dr. Mirza. 
Great Zoya thought to herself! Just bloody great! Now he came to know of everything she was hiding from him but her dull and aching senses were more concerned with what she should do next and her mind mangled at the possibilities of how Asad found her here if at all he sought to find her tonight or ever. No she thought to herself - of course he never wanted to find her, it was mere coincidence or purely in her mind she felt it was her fault that he found her tonight, she shouldn't have opened the damn door and he wouldn't have been here at Nargis's family villa.

It was a mistake to have opened the door.  She should never have done that, she should have ignored the crashing sounds that disturbed her quiescent night earlier instead of letting curiosity take the better of her and wandered through the dark and shrouded hallway to open the door to this shock and to this unsolicited re-emergence of Mr. Khan, and with it came the reappearance of the dormant and unexpressed humiliating ache of the love in her fragmented heart for a man of his emotionally challenged persona - a man beyond her reach. The quiet night she had planned for herself and the plan to keep her pregnancy a secret forever from him was now ruined. He knew now and running away as she always did was now a distant and unfeasible option because after all a man of Mr.Khan's status would find her at all costs.

Reality came crashing back to her as she battled her way through the fog of confusion induced by her earlier decline into unconsciousness and her mind and her heart were at war at the mere act of recalling the events of the last three months, - memories of him and their moments together, memories of that one passionate night of intimacy that knew no bounds and possibly even more significantly the unpleasant memory of seeing " her "  in his arms on the day of the accident brought upon a wave of pain and anguish, its insensitive swinging nature rustled an ache  that swept through her callously. She felt sick and dizzy seeing him here in this villa. She was already nauseous from her pregnancy and her ill health, she didn't need him to add to that equation. For three months there was nothing from Mr. Khan, not a single text or call just a big fat nothing and now out of the blue he was here ... uninvited at her doorstep as though reality just slapped her hard just for good measure as if everything wasn't all wrong already. 
This was just another task on her to-do list that was ever growing that she needed to deal with. 

Yes - Zoya had procrastinated one too many times first with her health and its consequence on her baby and then the lights and electricity had been out for quite a while and now him being here  which only made her feel even more messed up, reckless and in his famous words irresponsible.  Then again anyone would appear reckless and irresponsible in the magnanimous and perfect shadow that Asad projected but truth be told he was far from perfect, he was perfectly flawed and in complete and utter denial about it. Typical Mr.Khan, Zoya sighed overwhelmingly, she was miserable and her mind confused with thoughts of how the night was about to progress or digress.

Zoya took a sharp intake of breath on hearing the front door close as Dr.Mirza took her leave and her heart hastened its beating as she heard Asad's slow and tentative footsteps approaching, making their way through the hallway towards the living room. Her breath came out ragged as she gasped at the prospect of facing him after this long and drab of an interval. Her eyes widened in the darkness of the room, the electricity was still out and the room was still shrouded by darkness the only light that flickered and danced on the walls came from the many candles that lined up on every nook and cranny of the cold dark villa. She quickly tried to slow her breathing. She lifted up the blankets carefully, her hands trembling all the while as she slid her legs over the side of the sofa to make a hasty escape to the kitchen where the darkness she hoped would conceal her pain from him.

The fragments of her life were lying on the floor glittering in the moonlight that pierced through the slit in the curtain at the bay window in the hallway, the isolated ray of ashen moonlight lit the pathway to the kitchen as she got up and walked with her weak shaky legs, her petite feet trembling on each step as though those fragments stabbed and wounded her soles with edges sharp as razorblades. Zoya could feel those fragments cutting into the soles of her feet, even though those fragments were just a measly representation of her current state of mind but the pain in her heart was far worse.

Why was her heart so broken? - He rejected her love or so it seemed and she rejected his now awaken concern. Tears spilled down her cheeks. Damn it, she didn't understand it herself. Somehow she had managed to shut out the truth all these months. The disappointment and the sadness tasted so bitter. After everything she'd been through, after all this time and all her struggles, she finally was where she wanted to be, where she wanted but not needed to be - with Asad. But now it felt all wrong. She didn't need him she reassured herself. Need and want were two very different things. And yes she wanted him but she didn't need him and after everything he said and done it didn't matter anymore. She didn't need him she consoled her mind and heart as she reached the kitchen sink and satiated her thirst with a cold glass of water.

But did he love her? The question was left hanging in the air all those months ago. Zoya still remembered when every once in a while their eyes would meet and she could see the same question reflected in his eyes. Does he remember - anything? A part of her needed answers although it was a small and quaint part of her, she wanted to ask him. But she was no fool. She already made her mind up, he didn't love her and she would be a fool to think otherwise, to feel otherwise. She always turned away before she spoke her true feelings, as did he, the question left in the air, unspoken, unheard and silent till today. And who knew, maybe that was for the best for both of them. Zoya's inner turmoil battled away as she looked forward at the panoramic view the extraordinarily large kitchen window offered at the grey-foggy skies. 

A grey cold sky had wrapped itself around Shamla Hills since yesterday and tonight the hills and the villa remained submerged beneath a shroud of freezing fog and relentless rain making it feel as though the villa was cut off from the rest of the world and it was just her and Mr.Khan and the darkness and an awkward silence that ensued. Zoya's eyes drifted across the garden and to the distant at the fog-shrouded stone hills. The stone face of the shrouded hills remained still and confident, the fog did not stir but lay thick and still much similar to an image of a cold and callous Asad that had spiralled involuntarily into her mind several times these past few days. Zoya had sensed Asad had entered the kitchen but she kept her weary eyes fixed on the hills and the drizzling lines of grey that lashed against the window. A flash of lightning tore across the grey dismal sky and its blanching light penetrated through the villa and through its luminosity she saw his reflection in the glass of the window. In his reflection, his emotions were crystal clear. HE - the cause of her anguish was looking directly at her, tenderly, which she found disturbing on many levels. Asad stood still as a statue at the footing of the table inches away from her, his hands hanging limply at his sides and his eyes staring directly at her, his eyes lingered at her reflection in the glass pane of the kitchen window.

Zoya stood still as she met his eyes through his reflection on the glass of the window, he looked different. Gone was the trademark judgemental gaze that usually adorned his face when he looked at her. He appeared vulnerable but then again there was always something vulnerable about Asad beneath the outward show of perfection, discipline and confidence he always projected.

"Zoya -"  Asad finally spoke gently in his somewhat shaky and baritone husky voice  which pierced through the silence that surrounded the villa.  Zoya flinched on hearing her name escape his lips echoing across the brooding silence. She felt cornered. It made her feel miserably on edge as she clutched the kitchen sink cupboard door lever with her trembling hands for support; she was scared by the suddenness of his arrival tonight. She was always scared of him but too afraid to verbalize it aloud for she did not need him to feed on that fear. She closed her eyes shut tight as she struggled to think straight.

"Zoya ... tum theek ho? Are you okay?" Asad's voice seemed even closer now. Zoya clenched the cabinet lever even harder now, so much so that her knuckles ached and her breathing became erratic as she fought to control her mind and compose herself. She needed to hide her feelings that she kept hidden all this time. Her brows were knotted in dismay as a jumble of emotions and memories raced chaotically through her head at the very instant she felt Asad's arm envelope her fragile frame just shy of her waistline but as luck would have it his hands rested exactly where her bump was now making a prominent residence on her dainty frame. Her breath hitched on the tenderness of his touch and she felt a weird unexplainable sense of comfort in knowing that the kitchen was shrouded in darkness. She knew he could feel her body tense on his tender touch, but she would hold onto whatever threads of dignity she had left. She wouldn't cry over a broken dream, it was downright childish; and anyhow everything was over before it even started. Angry words were exchanged that day in the farmhouse three months ago, accusations were made, and love was declared the night in the bhaang-induced state which nonetheless was real even if he didn't acknowledge it and love was then rejected the morning-after. She was humiliated and nothing could ever compensate for the words he uttered. Nothing. A sob almost escaped her throat but she held it at bay.

"I'm sorry," Asad finally said sincerely and although it was what she needed to hear all this time but she wasn't ready to forgive him. "I'm sorry Zoya, sorry for everything but above all I'm sorry for what I did to you, said to you ... sorry for what happened to us. I always believed that we were unshakable despite are differences and that nothing would ever come between us if ever there was an us or whether you ever felt the same as I did and still do ... even if we never had a name to our relationship. I still believe Zoya that ... we can reacquaint ourselves, be friends again possibly more ... it's for the better ... for our child," Asad spoke tenderly as he cautiously turned Zoya to face him. Finally the tears started slipping silently from her closed eyes and her shoulders shook slightly. He tightened his grasp around her, to comfort her, to reassure her, bringing his hand to interlock with hers. "I miss you so much, Zoya."

In the dark of the kitchen and the silence of the night it was crystal clear that his voice had lost its edge. He sounded weak and disoriented. Weak was the last adjective that would have ever come to her mind at the subject of Asad Ahmed Khan.  There was tenderness in his voice that made her heart turn over and she felt her resolve weaken as the carefully constructed defences she spent that last three months meticulously perfecting deteriorate within seconds with his one sorry. Zoya violently shrugged herself out of his embrace as she opened her weary glazed eyes defiantly to face him. She looked up at him through her wet lashes and slowly she responded in disbelief at his empty reasoning:  "I'm fine," she replied with an uncompromising edge to her voice.  

However the shake in her voice betrayed her stoic nature and moments later silent tears slid down her cheeks as she leaned forward to walk back to the living room, far away from him. But at the back of her mind a small part of her conscious wanted her to listen to Asad, maybe he had changed after all. But then there was " her." Zoya stopped in her tracks and looked back at Asad. He looked so emotional and his eyes were glazed with tears on the brim of threatening to spill over. When had he adopted those puppy eyes? She had always been wary of his icy amber gaze and the things it could do to her, the way he could undress her with his eyes or send shivers down her spine if he wanted to and the way he would look at her when she disappointed him. And now the colour of his puppy eyes reminded her of shallow water. She wanted to believe he was here for her but it sounded like he was here only for him, to claim his child, only his child and nothing more.

"Kyun aaye ho yahaan? Why are you here Mr.Khan?" Zoya questioned blatantly as her night was stirred miserably by his arrival. "After everything you said  ... wasn't it not enough that you had to come back just to make sure you see me broken, to see that you accomplished your goal to break me, itni be-izzati hone ke baad mein kitna rooyee hoon ... that's what you always wanted ... me to become dependent on you? I hope you're satisfied Mr.Khan now ... just please leave."

Without answering her questions Asad took a few cautious steps closer to Zoya and said sincerely "I'm not leaving ... Why end it between us? Whatever it is ... whatever happened ... whatever isn't working for us ... whatever problems you've faced alone ... whatever I said and did ... I'll fix them, we'll fix it together Zoya," Asad pleaded his reasoning once again. He looked dazed at Zoya's defiant stance on wanting to be left alone; she'd always been good at hiding her feelings. He knew she was independent but she needed him now more than ever and above all she was ill as he recalled Dr.Mirza's strict orders about Zoya's condition:

"Mr.Khan ... Zoya's pregnancy is very complex and she needs all the support to get her through to full term but a lack of care and any deficiencies in her health can result in her losing this child but more importantly it could be fatal for her too. She needs the proper care and support, she needs utmost rest Mr.Khan. I will have all her medical information posted to you and please ensure she attends her regular check-ups; she has missed the last two and since then she's been losing consciousness quite frequently - and that's not right."

Asad was brought out of his trance when Zoya sniffled loud and conflictingly and she shook her head in disbelief trying to hold back the tears that formed relentlessly in her eyes. "Mr.Khan this isn't one of your architectural projects that you can fix up, reconstruct and repair. You don't get a second chance and plus you will never change. And if you're doing this to compensate for the shortcomings in your upbringing where your father is concerned, because you don't want to be like him because you're trying to defy your legacy and show the world you're a bigger man than he is then forget about it, I don't bloody well care for it. The Mr.Khan I knew wouldn't be here today and I don't really know the man standing before me tonight and for all I'm concerned you're playing with me as a means of self-preservation, everything is always about you," Zoya refuted his apology as she walked away defiantly into the living room, the deafening silence weighed heavily between them.

To say Asad was stung by Zoya's crude accusations was an understatement, he was deeply hurt. He wasn't here for him; he was here for her and only her and he didn't know what he could do that would ease her pain and convince her of his love. He now looked at her as if she had gone crazy and deep down he berated himself for that because it was his fault wholly. He felt responsible for everything. If only he was more open to her and not let his self-restraint and unfounded fears of hurt and betrayal which stemmed from his childhood get in the way then she would never have left, she would never have doubted his intentions. Zoya's retreating form made Asad feel his world around him was collapsing as though he was chasing a far-fetched dream but like quicksilver his dreams were unfeasible slipping away from his grasp and just like the black sky outside devoid of stars, just like the dark clouded night sky he felt the emptiness growing more heavy by the second inside him. He took in Zoya's words with a sinking heart.

Asad sighed with a heavy heart as he followed a listless Zoya to the living room his eyes were glassy, his expression so pained, so acute as though her words had slapped him. He shuffled dejectedly through the villa as he surveyed the nooks and crannies of each corner of the kitchen and the dining room in the modest cast of light the candles and intermittent lightning offered all the while his mind wandering how his vulnerable Zoya survived ... living here all alone, - she faced it all alone so that he could continue to live a guilt free life and maintain his pride. How could he have been so selfish? Through the intermittent hue of blue the lightning cascaded across the villa Asad's eyes fell upon an open pink leather bound book next to a laptop on the dining room table, his eyes rested on the full pages to what appeared as a diary of some sort with words etched fiercely in black ink across its pages. Asad scooped up the book without hesitation, his body quivered his eyes fixed on the words as he registered the heartache he put Zoya through. He felt his heart stopped beating for a while. He read the passages again and again but the sentence that struck him most was: "On a dark and stormy night two had lost their way but found each other."

They were just words, soundless but loud enough to gash a hole wide open in his chest. He wanted to say something to ease the obvious anguish Zoya was experiencing, seeing the girl he loved once again after three months still as hurt and as vulnerable as he last saw her when he abandoned her at the farmhouse that fateful day made his remorse that much more prominent. Yet, Asad felt like he had no right to be here tonight. He saw discomfort and grief in her eyes tonight no different to the haunting images of a shattered Zoya that relentlessly reeled in his mind since that fateful day. He knew exactly why he kissed her then and he felt she mutually reciprocated his kiss that night and the intimacy that followed and it was quite evident from her writing she had feelings for him, unexpressed but they were there. He recalled the gentleness of her voice, the fresh floral fragrance she was wearing that night, her wet saree, the familiar gold flecks in her big doe like eyes, the soft warmth of her lips and the curves of her slender body. But it was all over even before it begun and yet in all these months he could see he wasn't the only one ... she hadn't give up on him even if she had simply declared just moments ago that she wanted him to go away. 

The memories of their relationship from so long ago came rushing back to him and with that Asad just couldn't resist. He pushed forward to where Zoya stood listless at the large bay window in the main hallway looking over the pebble-stone front garden.  He had invested so much effort and time on keeping a lid on his emotions but there came with it a sadness he could no longer bear and her absence was a painful blow as was the absence of effortless dialogue and constant bicker between them all those months ago and now what remained was an awkwardness and a deafening silence he could not bear. He was determined that no matter what comes he would take her home tonight once the repair team he called earlier fixed his 4-by-4 gave him the green signal, it had been more than an hour since they were fixing his vehicle.

Asad confronted Zoya at the bay window as he wrapped his arms around her fragile frame in a warm and strong embrace once more. "You're such a bad liar Zoya," and in one swooping motion he closed the gap between them and kissed her on her trembling lips. Asad's un-confessed emotions that were restrained and locked in his chest now made their way to his lips as he tried to convey to her his innermost feelings with his tender and deep kiss. He felt that his kiss was all he needed in that moment to convince her that he had changed. He took advantage of the moment and brought her in for a long kiss, the kind that could somehow reassure her that his love for her was real and true. It felt so incredibly right ... yet so wrong to Zoya as she rebelled and pushed Asad away as violently as she could. Reality came crashing back to him when he did not feel her soft lips kiss him back, opening his pained and dismal eyes to see her amber ones anxious and unsure, so unsure. She had not forgiven him. 

"I'm sorry about the kiss." Asad swallowed hard as he pleaded in a tender voice at how selfish he was. "I know  ... you still ... have feelings for me," Asad  muttered hoarsely to which Zoya felt a stab of anger, her body now gave way to a forceful tremor as she glanced up at him, her glazed eyes drooped heavily and her expression was severely drained as she began to lose her balance and her breathing became laboured once again.  She gasped in sheer dismay at his audacity to even kiss her after all this time. 

"How ... dare ...you? I hate you - I hate you - I hate you - " she snapped with what little strength she had left - her eyes distant as she began to lose consciousness once more. Zoya remembered his words from that fateful morning at the farmhouse, his words echoed in the hollow spot of her memories - the misfit she was, his accusations of her being a gold-digger out to trap him, a woman with no class. She felt her throat dry and constrict with sadness as those words reeled through her mind on a relentless loop, she wanted to run away as she always did from those memories, run far away from him, from the pain of being banished from his world, the world she once shared with him albeit short lived now only pained her, it was unbearable. Asad lifted his eyes to hers; the utter sorrow on his features intensified seeing her pain and irritation.  "We're never going to be together again," Zoya's faint voice trailed off as she struggled to breathe, the sound of the thunder overhead echoed across the silent hallway as Zoya finally broke down in Asad's arms and sank into unconsciousness once again.

The night had already gotten off to a bad start as Asad ruminated over his actions, he kicked himself mentally for being the cause of all of Zoya's problems as he diligently packed Zoya's belongings and carried her luggage to his 4-by-4 which was now fully repaired from its earlier collision, he walked remorsefully in the dark and bitter cold of the night. The rain showed no signs of stopping as he pushed forward to ensure he had all of Zoya's belongings collected and put away safely in his vehicle. He walked back to the villa resolutely to get his most precious possession, his Zoya, the solid pebble-stoned pathway crunching unforgivably beneath his feet. 

On reaching the living room, Asad casted his tired but tender eyes over Zoya, she was listless and very much still asleep and all he could think of was she probably hated him so much and he felt numb at the thought of losing her love forever. She was so naive, so innocent, so beautiful and all he wanted to do was protect her. But he was selfish and she got hurt because of it and now all he wanted was to fix everything. Asad looked at Zoya longingly; his eyes caressed her sleeping form. Her hair was a mess as it tumbled out of her hair ties and lay strewn like a series of strings around her pale and sallow face now devoid of the radiant smile that once decorated her jovial composure, it made his eyes burn with sadness for now he longed to see that smile. Her body remained absolutely still, her hand lying near her face not twitching once and stayed frozen in time. The only indication of life was the shallow rise and fall of her chest, other than that she was lifeless. Asad lifted Zoya into his warm arms, carefully carrying her to his 4-by-4. 

The night sky resembled gunmetal, the thick clouds still hovered above and the wind had now picked up momentum as he carried Zoya across the front lawn. The icy cold wind stirred intensely causing Zoya to shudder in his arms as she snuggled up to him for warmth, her cold fingers gripped at his damp white collar leaving a trail of scorching tenderness where her fingers touched his bare skin. He sighed amorously; his eyes liquid gold softened as he leaned in and kissed her clammy and cold forehead before gently lowering her into the backseat of his 4-by-4. He tucked her in as cautiously possible with the seatbelt fastened for safety and his hands nervously traced the contours of the small bump on her tiny frame, his heart mellowed and his eyes moistened as he traced the distinctive bump and the cries that burst from his lungs moments ago became lodged in his throat. 

Through the pitter-patter of the rain Asad spoke in silent whispers to his unborn child, "Hey ... we haven't met yet ... I'm your Dad," Asad let out a low sincere but nervous giggle. "Wo actually  ... I'm sorry mujhe se bahut bari galti hooowi, I was in error and iss galti ki sazaa aap ki Ammi ko milli hai, mujhe bhi milli but I promise you that I'll make everything right," Asad's voice broke off in the cold air as he looked at Zoya. Even in the dark he could see there was a change in the colour of Zoya's face as she trembled to the cold frosty air that streamed into his 4-by-4. He instantly grabbed his jacket that lay sprawled on the front seat and covered her from the chilly bite of the frosty air. Asad took a long lingering look at Zoya, her cheeks were stained from the tears she shed before she fainted, and his expression fell into one of agony as though something was stabbing him and that something was his own doing and Zoya's suffering. Exhaling heavily Asad leaned in to kiss her on the forehead; she stirred as his cold lips caressed her feverish forehead and Asad lingered there a while longer, "I miss you Zoya," Asad's voice lingered as a forlorn whisper in the cold air, each word distinct, each word heartfelt as he finally closed the back car door and made a quick stride to the driving seat in a haste to take Zoya to her rightful home, to his home, to their home.

Asad drove down a deserted one lane highway back to the main city area of Bhopal as the rain continued to lash against the windshield of his 4-by-4, his speed was rearing slightly over the speed limit.  The wheels slipped a little on the wet slippery tarmac but he was apt at keeping his 4-by-4 steady and he needed to as he was now carrying precious cargo in his backseat, the love of his life ... his priceless Zoya. It was pitch black outside, a high grey sky covered much of the terrain not even one star glistened in the night sky and only the moon's faint light and the small square orange lights lining the road to guide him home. The windshield wipers whipped back and forth over the window, attempting to clear away the large droplets clinging to the glass as the rain continued to pour and the thunder continuously rolled across the skies and the lightning flashed intermittently. 

Every now and then Asad would look in the rear view mirror to check up on Zoya. She was asleep, peaceful and angelic and a small smile traced the contours of her lips. Asad wished that somewhere deep down Zoya still had feelings for him and that the smile that now appeared on her face was because of him but hope was a fickle thing as he quite acutely recalled her bluntly stating just moments ago that she hated him and that they will never be together. Asad sighed heavily not quite able to peel his tender gaze away from the rear view mirror for the spectacle of a peaceful Zoya sleeping in the backseat was growing more attractive and more appealing as the seconds grew but deep down he missed her normal bubbly disposition, the special moments they shared and he feared that these may never return.

Asad peered out of the side window broodingly as he tried to forget the physical and emotional pain of being away from Zoya for three months. The callous three months had brought with it a large gap in their ' so-called relationship ' and if it wasn't for Nargis's email earlier today maybe he would never have been blessed with the opportunity to patch up and to close these gaps between them. And for all he knew Zoya loved him even if she had never acknowledged it but her hating him now meant only one thing to him ... that hate and resentment now resided where once love and hope had lived. All he needed to do was to convince her and earn her forgiveness and reignite that passion. 

Asad smiled ruefully through the pain as his 4-by-4 came to a halt at the front porch of his magnificent villa. As he switched the piercing headlights of his 4-by-4 off, his memories darted back to the time he brought an unconscious Zoya home from the whole Akram disaster, and once again Asad only had himself to blame for that unnecessary event, - he had always put her in some danger or other when all he wanted to do was to protect her and that somehow all her pain and hurt would gravitate towards him. Asad unbuckled his seatbelt fervently and got out of the vehicle in the pitiless rain and with dire need he walked over to the back of the 4-by-4 to gather Zoya in his protective arms. He walked with a conquering stride towards the front door, as the elements prolonged their assault, the roar of the thunder he hoped would drown out his late-night entry into his home for he didn't want anyone in particular his mother to see him sneaking Zoya into his bedroom.

Alas as Asad walked in through the front door into his dark and silent villa, his eyes strained, scanning the hallway and living room thoroughly to ensure the coast was clear. As his eyes accustomed to the darkness he could make out the familiar silhouette of his beloved mother. The room was almost dark, but in the obscurity of the light emitted through the intermittent flashes of lightning he saw his Ammi sitting by the window, bolt upright in her seat, and he knew by the rigidity of her outline projected through the intermittent flashing - his mother was deeply upset with him.

"Asad," Dilshaad finally spoke authoritatively as she got up from her seat walking towards Asad, but soon her attention turned to the listless outline of Zoya in his arms - "Zoya ... Asad what's wrong with Zoya? Zoya ko hoowa kya hai? Is she ok?" Dilshaad spoke with apprehension as she grew uneasy seeing Zoya in that state, she darted forward to caress Zoya's hot and clammy forehead, her maternal instincts overcame her anger towards both Asad and Zoya.

Asad took a deep breath and stared unseeingly at the ground for a long moment. He swallowed hard not quite able to meet his mother's inquisitive gaze, his guilt made his head bow and his shoulders slump as he ventured precariously from the threshold and carried Zoya straight to his bedroom not looking back for he did not have the strength to answer his mother's questions. Where would he begin? What would he say? Hey Ammi, wo actually ... you're going to be a Grandmother soon because I knocked up Zoya! That he was a total disappointment that he was no different to his father and that he was a total jerk and he was a selfish brute? Yes he was selfish but he was not anything like his father. He was going to live up to his responsibility unlike his father; he was going to be there for Zoya and their child at all costs.

Once in his room Asad closed the door tightly and locked it, his back leaned heavily against the cold fuzzy glass door as he held Zoya in his arms soundly with utmost care.  He closed his eyes as he stood there listening to his mother's pleas to open the door and explain the situation to her. "Asad ... please darwaaza kolo ... kuch toh bolo, hoowa kya hai exactly?"

  

"Am - Ammi," Asad's voice finally broke through the noise of his mother's pleas, "Am-mi wo actually ... aa- aap ... aap jaa ke soh jaaye, it's late you should go to sleep ...aur Miss Far- ... Zoya ko kuch nahin hoowa hai, she's fine," Asad gulped remorsefully as he casted his now-open eyes apologetically over Zoya's sleeping form in his arms. Of course Zoya wasn't okay but he needed to lie to his mother. She didn't need the burden of taking any responsibility towards Zoya, it was his duty only. He ignored his mother's pleas and moved from the door tenderly, his feet took long lingering steps towards his bed, his gaze all the while lingered over Zoya's angelic face as he climbed onto the bed with both of his knees gently lowering Zoya onto the cold luxurious duvet of his bed, his hands took extra care as he tucked her in a warm blanket and ensuring the pillows were fluffy enough to support her feverish head. He tenderly cupped her face with his warms palms, her skin shuddered to his caressing touch and her face moulded into his affectionate palms, her light and shallow breath fanned against his warm hands making him sigh with an insatiable longing. He lowered his face to kiss her forehead, his lips blazed as they touched the feverish heat of Zoya's forehead, and he felt overwhelmed with regret as he brushed the velvet tendrils of Zoya's fringe from her forehead and tucked the loose tendrils behind her petite ears. 

A loud clasped of thunder tore across the high grey sky, its blue haze penetrated across the room and with it the light projected the shadows of the rain that poured mercilessly in torrents outside across the cold white walls of his room. He got off the bed slowly and made his way toward his wardrobe to change into his pyjamas, his attention turned to the pink leather bound diary he kept safe in his waistcoat pocket since he returned from Nargis's villa and temporary home to Zoya tonight. It was Zoya's diary.

Asad's inquisitive nature kicked in, he was bloody nosey and that was an understatement as his fingers flipped pryingly over the white crisp pages of Zoya's pink leather bound diary. He already knew what Zoya meant about her most current entry - "On a dark stormy night two had lost their way and found each other ..." His lips now contorted into a mischievous smile as he read those words and his mind reeled forth passionate images from that one mesmerising night of pure and raw romance they shared. He sighed nostalgically as he continued to flick backwards through the pages curiously; he wanted to know what Zoya had written about him, their fights, their first meeting but his hands stopped on a page that had loss its crispness. 

The page was ever so what rumpled and lost its lustre and Asad was sure that Zoya had cried when she made this particular entry as his fingers ran over the dents on the page where Zoya had pressed the pen to the paper so hard and where the words appeared blotchy and where the ink was blemished from her tears. Asad could picture how Zoya must have looked when she made this entry as the letters on the page looked back at him angrily wounding him with each flick the letters projected on the page; the words wounded Asad as if the points and squiggles of the tall untidy black ink letters had cutting edges. Masked and concealed behind each angry word and crossed off sentence lurked a vast pool of hurt, Zoya was truly and deeply hurt, a whole new revelation dawned upon him on how Zoya was there on the day of the bus accident and he could not come to terms with the remainder of the words on the page, - Zoya had got it all wrong, she had got it all wrong about him and she was hurt because of what she perceived that day when in reality there was nothing between him and the " salwaar-kameez-her " that Zoya had mentioned a billion times in this diary entry. Asad realised that Zoya had witnessed him hugging Tanveer on the day of the bus accident, but Zoya misunderstood the whole situation. He did not love Tanu, why had that even crossed Zoya's mind puzzled Asad. And Asad had no idea that Zoya was in the bus accident, well not until he got home late that night and his Ammi informed him. Asad looked back at Zoya affectionately, his eyes full of remorse, she was still clouded by her fever as her body resigned to a peaceful deep sleep. Asad felt guilty and hurt all the same, for Zoya's hidden pain but little did she now that the pain, the hurt had cut him deeply too. He wasn't made of stone. If only he could make her see how much he loved her then, and how much he loves her now!

He sighed defeated as frustration began to take a heavy burden on his chest; his thoughts were here there and everywhere as he tried to think of ways to make it up to Zoya, to clear the misunderstandings between them. Asad finally changed into his pyjamas and before retiring to bed he placed the pink leather bound diary in his secret compartment within his wardrobe next to where he kept Zoya's earring where no one could ever come prying to his most valuable possessions.  He traced his fingers delicately over Zoya's earrings and made a promise, "I promise I'll make everything better even if it takes forever to make you believe me Zoya," Asad sighed with renewed assurance before closing the wardrobe and made his way to his bed to retire to sleep next to Zoya.

  

In the intermittent flashes the lightning cascaded across the dark room Asad saw Zoya at the centre of the bed where she lay bundled under the covers, sleeping soundly. A rueful smile peeled across his lips as he edged his way toward the bed. Asad quietly slid under the covers next to her petite body, smoothing his hands over her resting form, the palms of his hands rested on the tiny bump that traced her stomach distinctively. He sat there and watched her sleep, her face turned to the side, her velvet black hair splayed across the pillow, looking completely peaceful. The sight was so rare that he almost didn't want to fall asleep. Asad leaned down and pressed his lips to where her jaw and neck met, nuzzling his nose along the gentle curve. She even tasted sweet, like vanilla and jasmine. Asad wanted the moment to freeze and time to stand still - suspended but Zoya stirred on the close jolting of the thunder, her hands wrapped around his torso instinctively for safety. Asad smiled as he pressed his face into the delicate skin on her stomach, peppering her with kisses there before he too slept next to her wrapping his arms around her petite frame taking care of her baby bump.

Dilshaad watched silently from the high patio windows overlooking Asad's bedroom in the darkness of the rainy grey night. She had just witnessed a change in her only son but she did not know what to make of any of it, she didn't understand Asad's stubbornness 3 months ago and tonight she was even more perplexed by his tenacity to take Zoya to his bedroom, and she needed to know why Zoya was unconscious. Tanveer too witnessed this change in Asad for she stood cold as a statue at the top of the staircase the entire night when Asad had returned home with Zoya, eavesdropping as usual - she cringed on seeing Asad's tenderness and affection towards Zoya. She fumed even more when she followed Dilshaad's affectionate gaze travel from the patio towards Asad's room window where Asad lay in peaceful slumber enveloped in a tender embrace with Zoya. 

Tanveer needed to do something; just about anything to get rid of Zoya otherwise her plans would be in vain. Tanveer walked up silently behind Dilshaad, the rain continued to lash outside as she gazed continuously at Dilshaad's concern over Asad and Zoya in the dark of the night, and Tanveer's thoughts and heart grew even darker too.

  

"Khala," Tanveer interjected the silence of the rainy night with her conceited sweet voice. Dilshaad turned on her feet to face Tanveer, her face plastered with a stern expression as she looked upon Tanveer with aversion as she did not feel that Tanveer - a mere guest in the house and an old lost friend of Asad dare put her opinion into this - which was none of her business.

  

"Wo Khala ... I was just thinking that ... dekho na Asad ne Zoya ko apne kamre mein ... wo bhi binaa Nikaah ke ... wo dono besharmi se ek dusre ki bahon mein iss tarah se binaa Nikaah ke ... log kya sochenge ... you know what the society we live in will make of this whole thing and badnaami sirf Asad or Zoya ki nahin hongi, log aap ke baare mein bhi galat baatein karenge - "

  

Dilshaad raised her hands scornfully and  interrupted Tanveer's train of intolerable and discourteous speech. "I don't really care what the world has to say about all of this Tanveer ... aur waise bhi yahaan tere aur mere ilaawa kaun hai ... I don't see anybody. I know that my son isn't wrong, duniya idhar ki udhar ho jaayen but I know my son well enough.  Aur ek baat - you should be more worried about your shortcomings, tum bhool gayee, have you forgotten or should I jog your memory? Shukr manao ke maine ab tak Asad se kuch nahin kahan hai, warna mujhe dher nahin lage gi. Good night Tanveer," Dilshaad spoke with gritted teeth.

"Par Khala ... aap ko galat femi hoowi hai, you've got it all wrong just let me explain myself," Tanveer retorted as she followed Dilshaad like an impish-attention-craving-whiny-creature. Dilshaad closed and locked her bedroom door tightly, she had a fair share of drama tonight and she did not want to indulge in talking with Tanveer. Tanveer grimaced into the darkness of the night, she walked aimlessly towards her room on the second floor and sleep wasn't an option because she needed to work a plan to get rid of Zoya.  The night's unceasing rain marched forth with fury making Tanveer feel overwhelmed with depression, she felt her ill-conceived plans and immoral dreams slip from her grasp as the doubt of her tomorrow with Asad faltered away against the darkness of the night sky.

The liquid gold beams of the midday sun were already streaming bright from behind the thick grey clouds into the bedroom by the time Zoya dragged her eyes open from sleep induced fog from last night's storm, the clock on the side table blinked precariously stating the time at being slightly past midday. She dragged her sleep-riddled eyes open wide, staring blearily at the numbers for a moment. She had slept in later than she normally did and the room made her feel somewhat disoriented but it was no stranger to her as her eyes accustomed to the white immaculate interiors, the large black leather window seat next to the large bay window which shimmered with rain drops overlooking the familiar solid oak wood bench in the lawn.  Too bad it wasn't a nightmare she so hoped it to be as her eyes tentatively drifted from the window to a simple breakfast tray with steaming hot cup of what smelt like apple juice, wholegrain toast with peanut butter, fromage frais with fresh strawberries and a few pill bottles on the side table ... most likely Asad  had left for her. He had been overly worried since he found her last night. But Zoya's appetite was absent, she couldn't possibly eat all of it, she couldn't keep it down and she ... well she didn't want Asad to feign fuss over her.

Zoya slowly rolled onto her back and sat up, her back flushed against the black high headboard looking anxiously to the other side of the room. Pheww! - she thought inwardly as she wiped the beads of sweat that appeared on her forehead when she found the room void of Asad otherwise knowing his demeanour and now that he knew about the pregnancy she felt that Asad would make it his personal mission not to  ever leave her side. Although deep down Zoya was a little grateful for it but to be honest she could never admit it. It was one of those things she could never admit out loud, but she wanted to ... no she felt a part of her needed to spend as much time with Asad as possible before she finally left for New York, she had already made her mind up once the baby was born she and the baby would be gone forever and Asad could go back and live his guilt free - responsibility free and burden free life. Zoya didn't know what the world after leaving Asad would be like, but Zoya knew one thing that she would continue to live like she has for the past three months without him. She had to and there were no ifs and buts about it, her life wasn't going to have a fairy tale ending and she had already resolved her uncertain senses.

With an obvious effort she sat up, one hand squeezing feebly at her pyjamas just above her heart. The muscle beneath her skin was pounding as mercilessly as always, so hard that for a moment she found herself unable to breathe. This was in no way an unusual occurrence over the past few months, and after a moment she sank back against the pillow and closed her eyes thinking how silly she must have looked in her pink and black polka dot pyjama bottoms and mismatched Disney couture oversized tee shirt which had the infamous slogan I'm not a prize to be won. Yes Asad must be laughing inwardly at her choice of pyjamas, why did he have to find her on the day she was wearing peculiar pyjamas, oh well! Zoya sighed defeated, her eyes closed as her hands traced the contours of her baby bump.

Asad's warm fingers now brushed Zoya's cold and pallid cheeks, the sensation of his warm fingers against her cold skin made her shudder as she opened her eyes blinking them several times as her mind wandered back somewhat reluctantly to reality as she looked up hesitantly to find Asad sat on the left side of the bed right next to her. "Afternoon Sleeping Beauty" Asad spoke in his husky velvet voice while he leaned in and kissed her left cheek, "Or should I say Princess Jasmine considering the slogan on your pyjamas symbolizes the moody princess. it describes you well" Asad smiled and he was rewarded with a gasp as Zoya's breath hitched at Asad's excessively caring behaviour; she stared at him wide eyed and aghast at his overt flirtatious behaviour. She was utterly dumbfounded. His husky voice sent a wave of nostalgia through Zoya and a million memories began to spin in a vicious frenzy in her head and she felt homesick. - Homesick for a place from the past, homesick for the caring Asad of the past, the Asad who had sheltered her from her darkest hours, she had no idea what to make of this Asad, for all she cared all he wanted was his unborn child otherwise he wouldn't have even bothered. Zoya cleared the lump in her throat in an attempt to say something but was cut abruptly short when Asad leaned over her to gather the breakfast tray from the side table, his familiar scent stirred the deepest wounds of her buried feelings for him, she sighed heavily in defeat. Asad positioned the tray in a comfortable position on the bed. His face was thoughtful as he proceeded to feed Zoya which surprisingly was far easier than he had imagined, she didn't not fight back.

The three months of being away from Asad had not made Zoya immune to his perfection as she traced her eyes over his pale face, his rough square jaw dotted with a light stubble, the straight line of his perfect nose, the way his eyebrows knitted themselves to match his emotions, the sharpness of his cheekbones, the curve of his lips now curved into an unexpected bright smile and his smouldering brown eyes framed with those long thick lashes looked at her in awe. When Zoya stared into those eyes she felt light-headed, she felt as though all the pain in the world had just disappeared and under his gaze all her defences she had put up to keep him at bay just faltered, she was disarmed. She felt as though she found home in his eyes. But through all this care Asad portrayed towards her as she sat quietly allowing him to feed her for she did not have the strength to fight him today, she felt dependent on him and it made her feel sick and helpless.  

Asad put the tray back on the table as he finally watched Zoya drink water to aid her swallow the tablets. She stretched her hand out tentatively; her hands trembled as she handed the glass back to Asad. Asad caught her fingers in a tight grasp, he placed the glass down on the table and stretched his arms out pulling Zoya onto his lap, his hands did not sway as he held her hands for dear life, and his lips just inches away as his breath fanned her face. "Zoya ... my love," Asad said in a calm tone, his voice laced with tender affection his eyes once again adopted the puppy eyes from last night, one of his hands reached to fix the tendrils of Zoya's fringe tucking them neatly behind her ears, "I'm sorry ... " Asad's voice broke across the walls as he apologised, he needed to and it never felt enough no matter how many times he said it. He lifted her hands to his lips and kissed her dainty hand tenderly before looking up at a bewildered Zoya.

"Zoya ... aap sabko bataa ti ho ... ke aap Dhoni se bahut mohabbat karti hai  ... magar sach toh yeh hai ... ke aap mujh-se ... sirf mujh-se mohabbat karti hai, 

ke aap ko cricket bahut pasand hai, ke aap ke paas duniya ke har question ke saare jawaab hai, ke aap mere jazbaat samajh thi hai, ke main Akdu aur emotionally-challenged hoon, 

ke mere paas dimaag nahin hai, ke main bahut badtameez hoon, ke mere dil mein seena nahi pathar hai, ke aap ka favourite pass-time mujhe pareshaan karna hai, 

ke aap mere kamre mein chupke chupke mere punching bag pe mera photo lagwaa kar .. aap apna saara gussa nikaal thi ti aur main jaanta hoon ke agar aap ko phir chance mila mere punching bag ko iss tarah use karne ka then you will ... 

ke aap kehti hai ke aap ka weight 45kg hai par main jaanta hoon ke aap ka aslee weight kya hai, main aap ke jism ka har pehloo ko pehchaan tha hoon, even with my eyes closed ... I've memorised each inch and each curve of your body, 

aap ne mujhe se kabhi bhi ... koi baat nahin chupaa yi ... toh phir ... toh phir aap ne mujh se yeh baat kyun chupaa yi ... ke aap mere bache ki maa bane waali hai?" Asad questioned Zoya as his eyes scanned her moist ones for answers. Zoya had lost all logic as she looked dazed, she held back her cry as she swallowed back the lump in her throat. "I'm ...  not sure," is all Zoya could stutter as she tried so hard to speak through the hidden tears that held her voice captive. Her true feelings, the hate she felt for him would not surface beyond her dry throat while she struggled her inner demons to confront him.

Zoya gulped in utter disbelief at Asad's words, his words although thoughtful and considerate and what appeared sincere with profound meaning, she could not bring herself to forget the bus accident day all those months ago when Asad brushed passed her to embrace a woman in salwaar kameez, she could not blackout the images of his embrace with the other perfect woman, she could not drown out his rude words from that morning. Asad watched Zoya's expressions as the small smile from her face faded and her eyebrows were now knitted in utter dismay. Asad's eyes were vivid now as his eyes traced over Zoya's face trying to decipher the convoluted workings of Zoya's mind. She lowered her face to hide away her pain. Asad pulled Zoya closer to him as he pressed Zoya's head onto his hard chest where the beating of his heart was erratic, his nose skimmed the skin between her neck and jaw causing her to shudder, his touch was tingly and electric much like the night of their union. 

Asad's warm fingers stroked Zoya's cold pallid cheeks as he tried to console her, he recalled her hurt quite frankly etched in her pink leather diary as he heaved a shallow sigh before his hands delicately curved to cup Zoya's face nudging her lightly to lift her eyes to meet his affectionate gaze. Zoya met Asad's gaze square on, she found his emotions from last night were stronger in the crystal daylight more than she had anticipated. She felt overwhelmed as Asad touched Zoya's lips with his warm and gentle fingers, his fingers wandered exploring her soft quivering lips. He smiled before he found the courage to say what he needed to say. 

In the midst of the afternoon rainstorm, against the backdrop of the cleansing downpour Asad spoke in a peaceful and tender voice, his eyes glittered with passion, "Zoya ... I know I was wrong. Mujhe se galati hoowi hai ... lekin uss galati ki sazaa tumhe sab se zayaada ... sab se zayaada tumhe mili hai Zoya ... 

but I too have suffered as a consequence ...  mere bhaare mein ek baar nahin socha tum ne ... 

... tum jaanti ho ke main kaisa hoon - mera gussa kaisa hai ...  phir bhi mujhe chor ke tum chalee gayyee ... " Asad said his hands trembled as he caressed Zoya's face, wiping the tears that spilled from her weary eyes over her cheeks, "

- "bhaag gayyee thi tum mujhe se dur ... aur kitna bhagon ghi ... jitna bhaag na tha bhaag liya ... main tumhara saaya banke tumhare peeche peeche aata rahoonga ... wherever you go ... Everything will be fine from now on I promise," Asad replied in his velvety husky voice as he leaned forward gently, Zoya was lost all the while enamoured once again by his yearning eyes that drew her in, her mind was hazy with confusion as she battled her inner voice to push him away but soon she was lost in his touch as Asad finally placed his starved lips over Zoya's soft quivering lips. Asad kissed Zoya's lips tenderly, soft as a whisper at first but he deepened the kiss when she reciprocated, and the kiss was a long kiss as though both were starved for many - many years.

Asad snaked his arms around Zoya's fragile body delicately as he slid his hands slowly and passionately down Zoya's back pressing her body closer to his warm torso. Zoya could feel the warmth of his chest penetrating through her oversized Disney tee-shirt but she felt she needed to reject his concern; it was so wrong yet so right.

  

A loud succession of lightning and thunder roared across the cloudy midday sky, the sun had retired between thick grey clouds that covered much of the sky causing Zoya to snuggle closer into Asad's embrace, their breathing was now erratic as their kiss deepened emanating heat but their innocent exploration of one another was cut short when the shocked and angry voice of Dilshaad penetrated the sound barriers of Asad and Zoya's inner world. Zoya pushed Asad away when she caught sight of her beloved Phoophi at the threshold of the bedroom door but as her head turned precariously to the side of the door Zoya's heart broke as did the small trust Asad had just secured a few moments ago with his remorse. It was her. The salwar kameez woman, the other woman stood staring at Asad and Zoya, her mouth agape in horror.

"Asad, Zoya, what the hell is going on?" Dilshaad asked again, her voice now laced with hurt echoed across the villa as she watched the two still tangled in an embrace. Asad cringed disgruntled by his mother's and Tanveer's intrusion, he should have locked the damn door after he brought Zoya's breakfast earlier on. Asad kept his back towards the two at the threshold of the door while he looked up to meet Zoya's gaze, her eyes lowered in a half lidded stare as she struggled to meet his gaze. She finally looked up, and her eyes collided with Asad's tortured gaze. Zoya's eyes misted as she looked back at the salwar kameez woman (Tanveer) at the door and then at Asad, a rippling tremor of heartache tore through her, leaving her almost weak with longing as she felt as though she was back at the accident scene, the events of the accident scene replayed in her mind ... her arms outstretched but Asad couldn't see her. Zoya  threw back a sob as she brought her gaze from the other woman (Tanveer) back to Asad. Asad tenderly looked at Zoya trying to decipher her train of thoughts as he ignored his mother and Tanveer at the door and his mind wandered back to Zoya's diary entry from the bus accident day and he realised the cause of Zoya's anguish. Asad looked at Zoya with his puppy eyes, his eyes conveyed regret for not having the opportunity to explain himself about the whole bus accident event and above all his eyes showered Zoya with immense love. 

Please don't look at me like that Mr. Khan, Zoya thought as she pleaded with her eyes. His passionate puppy eyes reminded Zoya too much of that rainy night when she had made the biggest fool of herself by giving herself to him in an all-consuming manner, far too much for her own good. Zoya blinked repetitively but could not tear her eyes away from Asad. She wanted to let him know that she didn't need him and she didn't want to live under the same roof where this salwaar kameez woman also lived. Asad lowered his eyes as realisation of the fact his work was cut out and he certainly needed to clear Zoya's misunderstanding. Zoya was his only love, not Tannu.

Asad finally answered his Ammi as his voiced echoed ferociously across the awkward silence that shrouded the villa, he was adamant and he wasn't having it any other way. No one was going to stop him.

"Ammi kuch nahin aur waise bhi iss waqt main iss baareh mein kuch nahin explain kar na chahta," Asad rose dominantly from the bed to face his mother. "Sirf itna kahoon ga that from this day forward Zoya sirf aur sirf mere kamren mein soyegi, this room is as much hers as it is mines and that is that,"Asad spoke authoritatively.

oOo

 End of Part 4 

© Fatima B Lunat 2014

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