So this is the letter Zoya had written to Asad in my story and I thought I would post that on here before I actually post chapter 5 part A.
Never Letting Go
Asad's Birthday
Prologue to Chapter 5
'Zoya's Letter'
I’m sorry but
it's pivotal that I tell you this,
It’s the perfect
day for this. This is the right moment to tell you this or reaffirm this
because I know that you already subconsciously know this. And I know that you
have a penchant for panicking and assuming the worse so first things first,
please take a seat and read this calmly.
I have a lot
things that I need to confess to you and I know you are not one for words in
general, you don’t feel the need to give words to everything but I do and so
it’s pivotal that I tell you this and I’m sorry, sincerely - if you feel hurt
with the words written here by my heart …
There are times
that I felt life would be better for the both of us if I left and you could go
back to whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your
existence …
I never knew my
life was about to change, drastically, forever. I never knew you were right
around the corner. I didn’t see you coming although my instincts warned me
beforehand … the very first time I met you that fateful autumn day after which
we crossed paths many times. My heart screamed from the confines my longing
heart constructed to keep you at bay. It warned me to stay away from you
because it already knew that you were a storm that would perpetually burn in me
and before I could heed to my heart’s woeful call … it was too late. I fell and
I couldn’t stop myself.
I often
questioned if I was ever right for you because I couldn’t see how this misfit
would ever fit into your perfect life. I was a burden that you were forced to
carry. You use to cast me to the side, you showered me with your anger, you
were rude, unkind, dismissive, impatient, occasionally immature and careless
even when I continued to support you in every way that I could. You were short
sighted at all the times I cared and supported you, for you my support and care
were selfish and calculating. I didn’t know why I desperately needed your
approval then but now I know why.
Slowly and duly I
came to understand you. I began to see you from a different light. No longer a
burden I became your reason for existence, and you the reason for my
existence. In your anger, I felt your
fear. In your rude, dismissive attitude, I felt your frustration. In your
sporadic immaturity, I saw your imperfections, and my … you have the most
charming imperfections Mr Khan.
When you were
short sighted, I kept an understanding stance because I knew that you would
eventually come around. When you were quick tempered, I remained patient
because I knew you would rectify your mistakes.
In your mistakes,
I saw perseverance and in your weakness, courage. In your past, I can see what
made you the way you are … and that is why although our past contains sadness
and you dealt with it by putting on an austere face and silence, I on the other
hand I used words and my bubbly personality to brace the tempest that brew
throughout my life.
But in your
future I see me, I see us, and no matter how great our differences as you quite
crudely compared to the spoon and fork analogy, we have always been and will
always be one wedded, united functioning unit, mirror images of each other and
in doing so completing each other.
When I look into
my heart I see you. When I close my eyes, I see you; I feel your presence in
everything. When I look into your eyes, I see my reflection and while I yield
an overbearing feeling of warmth and contentment within me, it is you and only
you who is my lighthouse shining my way home, eliciting those sensibilities
within me.
When my life
becomes chaotic and fright consumes me, you are my protector. You are my
comfort when I find myself in the clutches of loneliness … and you’re always
there for me and I never have to ask you to be there, you just are. You know my
pain before I feel it. You’re the only one who knows me better than me. You
know my idiosyncrasies and likewise I have come to know and love yours.
I love the way you crinkle you nose when I
drive you mad with my mess at the dinner table and well just about any mess
that I leave everywhere. I love the way you go overboard with your OCD for
cleanliness. I deliberately make a mess of things just to spend time with you.
I love that it takes you an hour to get lunch when we’re out because the layout
of the restaurant must face north; the tables have to be positioned diagonally
from each other at a 90 degree angles. I love the way your wardrobe is so well
organised even the socks are arranged in colour hierarchy, you pay so much
attention to things. I love the way you pinch the upper bridge of your nose
when I do or say silly and irritating things. I love that you get cold when
it’s 21 degrees outside. I love the way you sing and dance once in a while just
for me. I love the way you look dishevelled in the rain. You look absolutely
inviting when you’re drenched in water. I love your dimples.
Your gentleness
and kindness captivates me. Your eyes are intense Asad, the passionate and warm
embers therein melt away my anger and my resolve. You make me weak at my knees.
You guard my body
from harm, my mind from conflict and my heart from pain … and your embrace, the
strength of your arms shelter me from everything. My heart, body, soul and mind
cry when I’m not with you even for just a nanosecond.
As much as you
fear losing me, then you should know that I cannot and I refuse to breathe and
to live a nanosecond without you. I need you, today, tomorrow and forever. I
have chosen to spend the rest of my life with you and I want the rest of our
lives to start today because I love you Asad Ahmed Khan.
I have one wish
and one wish only and that is to make me yours forever by claiming the whole of
me, mind, heart soul and body, as one tonight even if it were just that one
night, I would cherish it for life and thrive on the memories of that special
moment for life. There is a part of me that would not care of what you think, whether
you feel the same, whether you love me and while the rest of me is well aware that
one night would never be enough.
© Fatima B Lunat 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this document may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission of Fatima B Lunat.
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